Winter Woes and How to Cope
This post is going to be a rough one. I'm going to be very real, and quite vulnerable, at least in my perspective. This last weekend was a four-day weekend due to inclement weather. We had a frick-ton of snow. While others may rejoice at the prospect, my 4 day weekend became a thing of dread.
We (my RA staff) had an emergency meeting at 12:30 on Thursday. I was quite unhappy as I had group project plans, and I thought meeting about inclement weather isn't really necessary. We all know how to deal with snow and ice with snow shovels and de-icer.
This wasn't what our meeting was about. The fact that I heard another staff was meeting over at the ILLC at 1, while ours was at 12:30 in the WFD conference room was weird, and I didn't see why we couldn't all be together if it was about snow.
RLT (The residence life team) came to our meeting as well. Initially we were waiting a long time for everyone to get there. I was very impatient and we started quite late. I had called Ping-Ping as he hadn't showed up to our meeting yet and left him a voice-mail sounding a little impatient.
When everyone got there, the bomb was dropped.
"Last night, Ping-Ping took his own life."
At first I didn't believe it so much that I thought it was a sick joke. Ping-Ping? Never. The happiest, silliest person on staff. And I realized, why else would they have brought Jim in from CAPS and half of the RLT staff and a box of kleenex? They weren't joking, this was real.
I immediately put my head down on the table and began weeping. This man was a friend of mine, a resident of mine my first year, a fellow co-worker, a happy soul, a boyfriend, a son, a person, a life. To know that someone takes their own life is so hard. To know that someone doesn't want to be here that bad, breaks my heart.
I honestly don't know what else was said. I was crying too much to hear and then tried to focus on my breathing and pulling it together for the rest of my staff so I could try and comfort them. (I feel like a big sister to some of the people on staff at times).
Sometimes I say I wish I wasn't here, but I know that isn't always the case. I know things here sadden me, and make me wish the world was better. Yes, the stressed of life get to me more often than not, but I don't want to end my life. Last year someone I knew had also contemplated taking their life in the same way that Ping-Ping did. It is especially hard as it was from Bloss Hall that the action took place, where I was an RA last year and the same building the person contemplated jumping from. To think that person too could possibly not be here had they not gotten help really shakes me up a lot.
I have not been to CAPS yet in my time here at OSU, and I think that I am way overdue for a visit. I have no idea how to cope. Lately, I just play facebook games. I think that isn't really coping, I think that is just keeping my mind busy. Being alone with your thoughts in the snow for 4 days is a long time though. I know I'm not supposed to ask 'what if ....?" or "what could I have done different?" as these only make it harder. I also am doing my best to be here for residents as well, as I can only imagine what it is like when you lose someone who is your connection to the building. I went up to knock on doors for our Hall Council meeting to invite those on the 4th floor to join, as it wasn't a regular Hall Council and we had Jim from CAPS come in to help us all process. Just passing by his room made my eyes begin to leak and by the time I was talking to residents I was a crying blubbery mess. (Yes, I'm a crier.. I know). I can't imagine walking by his door every day for the rest of my time here and being reminded constantly. I also believe that this is hitting our RA staff really hard, and so as we are all trying to cope, we are also trying to help our residents cope. This is the first time many of us have had someone so close to us perish, and it is a new situation to face, no experience had, just CAPS as our go-to resource that we ourselves are about to use.
Today I had class. When you walk in silence to class, and you hear people talking about things that are just so unimportant in life, and all you think about is "I lost a great co-worker, an individual who others looked up to. That front page of the Barometer, that RA, he was on my staff, lived two floors above me, and this weekend was probably one of the longest, (Pardon my swearing) shittiest weekends I have ever had in my life." Also, how does one pay attention in class? I just keep thinking about it. I think, "this class isn't important compared to my friend's life. How can everything just carry on as usual? He deserves acknowledgement." I hope my grades turn out okay this term. (They're already pretty set in stone with how many credits I have, so I'm not to worried, but I'm just curious. It was really hard to focus today.)
In light of the situation, I have never come together so much on a staff over a few days, and this really spurs me to want to do something about it. When Tony mentioned the campus walks through the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, I just wanted to say, we're doing it. I don't know how, or when, but I want to make this happen. I want it to be awesome, for Ping-Ping.(I don't know how I could be a part of this with the amount of things I already have going on, but I want to.) To do something, turn feelings into action, make me feel more hopeful and like it will prevent things like this from happening again. I want people to know that they can get help, that there is hope. That they're not alone and don't have to bear this burden alone. You need to tell someone. You have to be vulnerable, but please know that there are people here who love and care about you. We want you to go places in life, to see you succeed and cheer you on. We want you to live, and truly live.
Okay, thanks for reading. Sorry if I made you cry, I cried a lot typing this, but I think it was a little therapeutic to express/share how I'm feeling.
-M.E.
We (my RA staff) had an emergency meeting at 12:30 on Thursday. I was quite unhappy as I had group project plans, and I thought meeting about inclement weather isn't really necessary. We all know how to deal with snow and ice with snow shovels and de-icer.
This wasn't what our meeting was about. The fact that I heard another staff was meeting over at the ILLC at 1, while ours was at 12:30 in the WFD conference room was weird, and I didn't see why we couldn't all be together if it was about snow.
RLT (The residence life team) came to our meeting as well. Initially we were waiting a long time for everyone to get there. I was very impatient and we started quite late. I had called Ping-Ping as he hadn't showed up to our meeting yet and left him a voice-mail sounding a little impatient.
When everyone got there, the bomb was dropped.
"Last night, Ping-Ping took his own life."
At first I didn't believe it so much that I thought it was a sick joke. Ping-Ping? Never. The happiest, silliest person on staff. And I realized, why else would they have brought Jim in from CAPS and half of the RLT staff and a box of kleenex? They weren't joking, this was real.
I immediately put my head down on the table and began weeping. This man was a friend of mine, a resident of mine my first year, a fellow co-worker, a happy soul, a boyfriend, a son, a person, a life. To know that someone takes their own life is so hard. To know that someone doesn't want to be here that bad, breaks my heart.
I honestly don't know what else was said. I was crying too much to hear and then tried to focus on my breathing and pulling it together for the rest of my staff so I could try and comfort them. (I feel like a big sister to some of the people on staff at times).
Sometimes I say I wish I wasn't here, but I know that isn't always the case. I know things here sadden me, and make me wish the world was better. Yes, the stressed of life get to me more often than not, but I don't want to end my life. Last year someone I knew had also contemplated taking their life in the same way that Ping-Ping did. It is especially hard as it was from Bloss Hall that the action took place, where I was an RA last year and the same building the person contemplated jumping from. To think that person too could possibly not be here had they not gotten help really shakes me up a lot.
I have not been to CAPS yet in my time here at OSU, and I think that I am way overdue for a visit. I have no idea how to cope. Lately, I just play facebook games. I think that isn't really coping, I think that is just keeping my mind busy. Being alone with your thoughts in the snow for 4 days is a long time though. I know I'm not supposed to ask 'what if ....?" or "what could I have done different?" as these only make it harder. I also am doing my best to be here for residents as well, as I can only imagine what it is like when you lose someone who is your connection to the building. I went up to knock on doors for our Hall Council meeting to invite those on the 4th floor to join, as it wasn't a regular Hall Council and we had Jim from CAPS come in to help us all process. Just passing by his room made my eyes begin to leak and by the time I was talking to residents I was a crying blubbery mess. (Yes, I'm a crier.. I know). I can't imagine walking by his door every day for the rest of my time here and being reminded constantly. I also believe that this is hitting our RA staff really hard, and so as we are all trying to cope, we are also trying to help our residents cope. This is the first time many of us have had someone so close to us perish, and it is a new situation to face, no experience had, just CAPS as our go-to resource that we ourselves are about to use.
Today I had class. When you walk in silence to class, and you hear people talking about things that are just so unimportant in life, and all you think about is "I lost a great co-worker, an individual who others looked up to. That front page of the Barometer, that RA, he was on my staff, lived two floors above me, and this weekend was probably one of the longest, (Pardon my swearing) shittiest weekends I have ever had in my life." Also, how does one pay attention in class? I just keep thinking about it. I think, "this class isn't important compared to my friend's life. How can everything just carry on as usual? He deserves acknowledgement." I hope my grades turn out okay this term. (They're already pretty set in stone with how many credits I have, so I'm not to worried, but I'm just curious. It was really hard to focus today.)
In light of the situation, I have never come together so much on a staff over a few days, and this really spurs me to want to do something about it. When Tony mentioned the campus walks through the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention, I just wanted to say, we're doing it. I don't know how, or when, but I want to make this happen. I want it to be awesome, for Ping-Ping.(I don't know how I could be a part of this with the amount of things I already have going on, but I want to.) To do something, turn feelings into action, make me feel more hopeful and like it will prevent things like this from happening again. I want people to know that they can get help, that there is hope. That they're not alone and don't have to bear this burden alone. You need to tell someone. You have to be vulnerable, but please know that there are people here who love and care about you. We want you to go places in life, to see you succeed and cheer you on. We want you to live, and truly live.
Okay, thanks for reading. Sorry if I made you cry, I cried a lot typing this, but I think it was a little therapeutic to express/share how I'm feeling.
-M.E.
Thanks for posting this, Mary. I too have been mostly ignoring my emotions on this and as Elsa would say need to "let it go" or let it out, more or less. I had a similar thought this morning, the first day of classes since his passing, that everything seemed so normal and I felt like stopping and screaming out to the world about him! I might go to CAPS on Wednesday (my one class at 3pm day). Do they have sound-proof rooms where I can get upset? I'm alone in the dorm at the moment (Teen Wolf is on tonight) so maybe I'll let it out a bit. Don't really know how to end this but I hope you're feeling as well as you can feel in this time.
ReplyDeleteYour Resident,
Jessica
Hey Jessica,
DeleteI actually have never been to CAPS and don't about a sound proof room, but if you ever need to come over and cry a lot, my door is open. But I think calling CAPS before hand and just asking if they have a sound proof room and/or making an appointment with someone is great too. Here is their number and it is also written on my white board. 541 737 2131. They have a 24hr line also for just chatting with someone. I will be going next week as this week is too busy for me to actually have the chance to go.
Thanks for your warm wishes and I wish the same to you. You're awesome. :)