A Not-so-Quick Update
Hi all,
Well, it is that time. That time where life is giving you a lot of crap to deal with it, and it is too much to try and get through in my head or talking with confidants, so I'm just going to write about it.
I do have to admit, my immediate home/work/life situation is fantastic. It has been more by extension that things have just fell apart, which sometimes makes it hard to be happy for yourself and accomplishments when other things are going wrong or out of the scope of your perceived "normal".
At the beginning of fall I was presented with the opportunity to travel for work and give a presentation on a project I'm working on overseas in Malaysia, which was an awesome experience. My presentation went well and I got to meet folks from other company fabs. Karl got to travel with me (we had to pay for his flights) and then we had a "3 day layover" (aka vacation) in Japan on our way home where we got to explore and adventure together. Neither of us had been to Japan, so it was quite the experience! So much walking, and taking the trains, beautiful parks/gardens/temples, intermixed with gorgeous cityscapes. Not to mention sushi for breakfast and super cheap (in the right parts of the area of course). We even were able to meet up with one of my colleagues from work (we didn't know we'd be in town at the same time!) which was a blast to have dinner with her and see a cool robot show!
Also, I failed to mention, we closed on a house two days before leaving for Malaysia. So our first day of home ownership we cleaned all day, and then moved a few things in, packed up, and then left the country the next day. It was a crazy crazy time.
And even before closing on the house (actually shortly after we started house purchasing process), the news broke that folks who are close to us were getting divorced, which is not something that is easy to go through for the parties involved. Trying to be diplomatic in the situation to both individuals put a strain on relationships and has honestly been hard ever since as people are changing who they are and how they interact. Sometimes folks want to turn over a bunch of new leaves and start new things and other folks become more reserved and you want to make sure they're okay, but at the same time you don't want to be too nosy or show favoritism in anything so that you can maintain the relationships with both folks. It is stressful.
So, that was fall- divorce, close on house, work travel. Which folded into the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas which were simply crazy times because of time with Family and traveling everywhere making sure to visit everyone. (All the while trying to settle into our home).
I think Thanksgiving day was my absolute favorite. Karl and I slept in, went to the store (to find that it was mostly men on errands picking up odds and ends) to get a few last minute items ourselves. We put on the 'Thanksgiving Day' Pandora Radio station and cooked! We made a roast chicken, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. It was delicious and we made it all ourselves and we had no time table or hurrying that needed to be done. It was relaxing, yet fun, and very filling! I hope we get to have more 'just us' holidays where we can relax and just focus on ourselves (not to be selfish, but it is just so much more relaxing to have no obligations on a vacation or to spend 4+ hours of your vacation in a car).
With the start of the New Year I've wanted to be better about being a better friend and reaching out and setting up regular hangout times with folks. I have tentative plans for a monthly coffee date with one of my friends and another monthly dinner/game night with another couple. I also want to be a better sibling and actually know how my brother and sister are doing when people ask. (I've operated under the assumption that no news is good news). We also had our housewarming party two weekends ago, which is where things started to fall apart again.
In light of recent events, being a better sibling is even more important to me, and even being a better daughter. Now, my dad hasn't been in good health for a long time. Anyone could see it. At Christmas time I stayed up late having a heart-to-heart with him about how he wasn't looking good and he ought to go see a doctor (not just the eye-doctor for his cancer in his eye) but a regular checkup, because his skin and eyes were yellowing and his feet were swollen (and had been for some time). For those who don't know my dad drinks, or has drank a lot.
Currently my dad is in the hospital. The ICU to be more specific. What started out as a bad case of pneumonia, turned into kidney and liver failure along with internal bleeding. After a several days of being on sedation, dialysis, and a breathing machine, he slowly came off of sedation and was able to breathe on his own. He was also taken off of dialysis, and things were looking up! However, his inability to pass the swallow test lead to needing a feeding tube again. And it was recently found that he is unable to absorb nutrition from the feeding tube. Also that he is not producing his own blood and is likely still suffering from internal bleeding. With this news, they took him off the blood pressure meds, and decided to let him eat what he'd like so he'd be happy and comfortable. Essentially, it doesn't sound like there is much more they can do for him. They have no timeline for us.
So- that sucks. If I didn't feel helpless throughout the duration of my dad being in the hospital enough, when the professionals run out of options, you really feel like there is nothing you can do. I think the hardest part for me was seeing the DNR (do not resuscitate) bracelet. It is also sad to feed your father ice chips or try and convince him to do his physical therapy since he has been in a bed for over a week- especially since he is stubborn and doesn't like being told what to do, particularly by his daughter.
However, it has been fun to see him be his sassy self with his facial expressions- he is really good at eyebrow raises. I can definitely tell when he doesn't like a particular nurse/attendee (he is a picky person). And what little words he has been able to utter, I realize I get my sweet tooth from him. The first word he says when I visit him after he is off of sedation is "candy?" and later "ice cream" or "fudge". His sense of humor is not lost, for when I asked how he was doing he said slowly "lovely" (with obvious sarcasm). And in asking him a no-brainer question he aptly replied "does the Pope wear a funny hat?". Though his responses are slow, he is still quick witted and humorous. I also got to watch Kingsman: The Golden Circle with him, so I think that was fun to get to watch together. It has been hard to watch him ogle over Man vs. Food on Food Network while he was unable to eat anything but ice chips. I'm glad he gets to eat some yummy foods now.
I'm really hoping and praying that he is able to pull through, as there are so many things us kids are embarking on. My sister is getting married soon, my brother is getting out of the army, Karl and I bought a house and he hasn't visited yet, and honestly if any of us kids have kids, he won't get to see his grandchildren. These thoughts make me really sad, and I don't mean to be selfish in wanting to have him here for these moments, but there are so many chapters of life we haven't gone through yet as a family. I also understand he has made a choice to live in a way where he hasn't taken care of his body and chose to drink on a frequent bases. I'm just praying for peace about everything and that the Lord's Will will be done. I'd love it if dad could walk my sister down the aisle, and come see our house or see my brother get out of the military, but if this is it, I just hope he knows he is loved and cared for- and I think that is all I can do at this point. I hope he looks at the flowers we got him and thinks of us and knows we love him, and that we are able to be there more on the weekends.
I think I struggle with this, because I am a planner. And when I'm not in control or there is a bunch of uncertainty, I only get to react to situations. I'm doing my best to stay positive and optimistic, but I am also trying to be realistic and prepare for the worst. Some moments I'm a-okay and I'm a tough cookie. Other moments it is the end of the world and everything sucks and I just want to be able to do something for my dad to ease the pain and help him live to see another day. Each day is a struggle in its own way, with new information or medical updates, and I'm just doing my best to get through this time (whatever 'this time' is and however long it shall last).
Thanks for reading my long ramblings. I just wanted to let folks know where I'm at with my life and just emotionally. I'm not trying to be anti-social, I'm just not wanting to unload on folks when they don't know what they're getting themselves into.
Hugs
OOOOoo
-M.E.
Well, it is that time. That time where life is giving you a lot of crap to deal with it, and it is too much to try and get through in my head or talking with confidants, so I'm just going to write about it.
I do have to admit, my immediate home/work/life situation is fantastic. It has been more by extension that things have just fell apart, which sometimes makes it hard to be happy for yourself and accomplishments when other things are going wrong or out of the scope of your perceived "normal".
At the beginning of fall I was presented with the opportunity to travel for work and give a presentation on a project I'm working on overseas in Malaysia, which was an awesome experience. My presentation went well and I got to meet folks from other company fabs. Karl got to travel with me (we had to pay for his flights) and then we had a "3 day layover" (aka vacation) in Japan on our way home where we got to explore and adventure together. Neither of us had been to Japan, so it was quite the experience! So much walking, and taking the trains, beautiful parks/gardens/temples, intermixed with gorgeous cityscapes. Not to mention sushi for breakfast and super cheap (in the right parts of the area of course). We even were able to meet up with one of my colleagues from work (we didn't know we'd be in town at the same time!) which was a blast to have dinner with her and see a cool robot show!
Also, I failed to mention, we closed on a house two days before leaving for Malaysia. So our first day of home ownership we cleaned all day, and then moved a few things in, packed up, and then left the country the next day. It was a crazy crazy time.
And even before closing on the house (actually shortly after we started house purchasing process), the news broke that folks who are close to us were getting divorced, which is not something that is easy to go through for the parties involved. Trying to be diplomatic in the situation to both individuals put a strain on relationships and has honestly been hard ever since as people are changing who they are and how they interact. Sometimes folks want to turn over a bunch of new leaves and start new things and other folks become more reserved and you want to make sure they're okay, but at the same time you don't want to be too nosy or show favoritism in anything so that you can maintain the relationships with both folks. It is stressful.
So, that was fall- divorce, close on house, work travel. Which folded into the holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas which were simply crazy times because of time with Family and traveling everywhere making sure to visit everyone. (All the while trying to settle into our home).
I think Thanksgiving day was my absolute favorite. Karl and I slept in, went to the store (to find that it was mostly men on errands picking up odds and ends) to get a few last minute items ourselves. We put on the 'Thanksgiving Day' Pandora Radio station and cooked! We made a roast chicken, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, and pumpkin pie. It was delicious and we made it all ourselves and we had no time table or hurrying that needed to be done. It was relaxing, yet fun, and very filling! I hope we get to have more 'just us' holidays where we can relax and just focus on ourselves (not to be selfish, but it is just so much more relaxing to have no obligations on a vacation or to spend 4+ hours of your vacation in a car).
With the start of the New Year I've wanted to be better about being a better friend and reaching out and setting up regular hangout times with folks. I have tentative plans for a monthly coffee date with one of my friends and another monthly dinner/game night with another couple. I also want to be a better sibling and actually know how my brother and sister are doing when people ask. (I've operated under the assumption that no news is good news). We also had our housewarming party two weekends ago, which is where things started to fall apart again.
In light of recent events, being a better sibling is even more important to me, and even being a better daughter. Now, my dad hasn't been in good health for a long time. Anyone could see it. At Christmas time I stayed up late having a heart-to-heart with him about how he wasn't looking good and he ought to go see a doctor (not just the eye-doctor for his cancer in his eye) but a regular checkup, because his skin and eyes were yellowing and his feet were swollen (and had been for some time). For those who don't know my dad drinks, or has drank a lot.
Currently my dad is in the hospital. The ICU to be more specific. What started out as a bad case of pneumonia, turned into kidney and liver failure along with internal bleeding. After a several days of being on sedation, dialysis, and a breathing machine, he slowly came off of sedation and was able to breathe on his own. He was also taken off of dialysis, and things were looking up! However, his inability to pass the swallow test lead to needing a feeding tube again. And it was recently found that he is unable to absorb nutrition from the feeding tube. Also that he is not producing his own blood and is likely still suffering from internal bleeding. With this news, they took him off the blood pressure meds, and decided to let him eat what he'd like so he'd be happy and comfortable. Essentially, it doesn't sound like there is much more they can do for him. They have no timeline for us.
So- that sucks. If I didn't feel helpless throughout the duration of my dad being in the hospital enough, when the professionals run out of options, you really feel like there is nothing you can do. I think the hardest part for me was seeing the DNR (do not resuscitate) bracelet. It is also sad to feed your father ice chips or try and convince him to do his physical therapy since he has been in a bed for over a week- especially since he is stubborn and doesn't like being told what to do, particularly by his daughter.
However, it has been fun to see him be his sassy self with his facial expressions- he is really good at eyebrow raises. I can definitely tell when he doesn't like a particular nurse/attendee (he is a picky person). And what little words he has been able to utter, I realize I get my sweet tooth from him. The first word he says when I visit him after he is off of sedation is "candy?" and later "ice cream" or "fudge". His sense of humor is not lost, for when I asked how he was doing he said slowly "lovely" (with obvious sarcasm). And in asking him a no-brainer question he aptly replied "does the Pope wear a funny hat?". Though his responses are slow, he is still quick witted and humorous. I also got to watch Kingsman: The Golden Circle with him, so I think that was fun to get to watch together. It has been hard to watch him ogle over Man vs. Food on Food Network while he was unable to eat anything but ice chips. I'm glad he gets to eat some yummy foods now.
I'm really hoping and praying that he is able to pull through, as there are so many things us kids are embarking on. My sister is getting married soon, my brother is getting out of the army, Karl and I bought a house and he hasn't visited yet, and honestly if any of us kids have kids, he won't get to see his grandchildren. These thoughts make me really sad, and I don't mean to be selfish in wanting to have him here for these moments, but there are so many chapters of life we haven't gone through yet as a family. I also understand he has made a choice to live in a way where he hasn't taken care of his body and chose to drink on a frequent bases. I'm just praying for peace about everything and that the Lord's Will will be done. I'd love it if dad could walk my sister down the aisle, and come see our house or see my brother get out of the military, but if this is it, I just hope he knows he is loved and cared for- and I think that is all I can do at this point. I hope he looks at the flowers we got him and thinks of us and knows we love him, and that we are able to be there more on the weekends.
I think I struggle with this, because I am a planner. And when I'm not in control or there is a bunch of uncertainty, I only get to react to situations. I'm doing my best to stay positive and optimistic, but I am also trying to be realistic and prepare for the worst. Some moments I'm a-okay and I'm a tough cookie. Other moments it is the end of the world and everything sucks and I just want to be able to do something for my dad to ease the pain and help him live to see another day. Each day is a struggle in its own way, with new information or medical updates, and I'm just doing my best to get through this time (whatever 'this time' is and however long it shall last).
Thanks for reading my long ramblings. I just wanted to let folks know where I'm at with my life and just emotionally. I'm not trying to be anti-social, I'm just not wanting to unload on folks when they don't know what they're getting themselves into.
Hugs
OOOOoo
-M.E.
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