Quarantine Quandries
Like usual, time to take to the pen and paper to talk myself through these troubling times. I honestly am kind of sad it is only in times like these that I write. I actually have several unpublished blogposts simply because the process of writing through my feelings is very therapeutic. Hopefully me writing this out and publishing will help someone else know that they're not alone in their thoughts and feelings during this time.
Speaking of these times, what a weird time to be alive. I feel like the stability and predictability that was 'life' just went out the window and the rug was ripped out from under all of us. I think at first we all wanted a date, or a 'completion' time, because things need to keep on going, right? The world isn't going to stop turning, my mortgage won't stop being due, I'm still going to need to eat... COVID19 can't stop everything right? Well, it has stopped movement, but the technology we have has allowed a lot of things in society to carry on- schools are virtual, happy hours are spent on zoom calls from your living room, we can work from home... However, I've been super blessed during this time that I have been able to make all of my payments and bills, I know not everyone has been this lucky and many have lost their jobs and are seeking unemployment- some have yet to even receive their unemployment, and my heart aches for them and my stomach is in knots at those thoughts for that instability.
When I think about that- I just want to know what I can do to help my friends around me. I wonder if people in need would reach out and ask for help or if they are ashamed to do so. Can I buy you groceries? Can I cover a bill this month? Do you need to talk to someone? I feel so weird about just giving people money though- I'd rather it be more tangible. But then I think- am I being selfish by wanting to help others and have it be something tangible for me? Is the giving for me to make myself feel better because I could sure use a pick-me-up right now? Or is it to really help them in the way that they need it? I think I just want to feel like I'm a part of something again, as all of this social distancing has made me lose my sense of community.
As stated above, I've been blessed during this time and have been still working- granted it is part time from home and part time at work so as to reduce exposure. And when I am at work I'm wearing a face mask (when I'm not at my desk) and we are practicing social distancing. All meetings are conducted via WebEx and there are spaced out chairs in the conference room if you are in one. Our temperatures are scanned as we enter for our work day and there are little diagrams on the floor to help folks maintain the 6 ft of social distancing. My work, like many, has had to adapt to these times and has incorporated some cost cutting measures, such as delayed merit increases, no 401k matching for specific quarters, and furlough week(s). The only thing that impacted me initially was the 401k matching, which I was okay with because when I first looked at my retirement when this whole thing started I did indeed cry. Luckily (unluckily?) I'm not anywhere close to retiring- so it doesn't really matter at this point in time, but it still hurts. Today, I found out I will have a furlough week. I actually think I'm kind of happy about it, because it finally feels like I'm being impacted (that sounds bad, but I mean it in the best way possible). I was impacted before, but I have had my job and am working my Mon-Fri schedule. The way it has been affecting me is that I just am not nearly as productive working from home as I am at work and I feel super guilty about that and then I feel like I need to work longer, and it is just draining. With a furlough week I will at least to mildly feel what many folks have been feeling/going through for weeks/months where I wake up without a task to accomplish or a mountain to climb.
I think with work I'm just overwhelmed. It seems like I'm supposed to get the same amount of work done, but I feel like I've gained more roles/responsibilities over this time, and I just can't produce 125% every day to keep up with it, and everything is slipping. I had moved departments a little over 7 months ago, and I'm functioning well in that department, but I'm not an expert by any means, it takes me like 2x as long to do something as someone who is more competent. I also was recently named committee chair of one of our employee groups where we plan events to help further business acumen in our employees, and then the COVID19 happened, and it is not easy to do events when folks cannot physically meet. I also am our site contact for a technology transfer and it is my first time in this type of role so I've had to do a lot of backtracking and making corrections to things where my initial response wasn't quite on par, so that has been a learning curve. On top of that, I'm also helping make face masks for our site, which I'm happy to be a part of, it is just another thing to the list. With all of this going on, I am having more days where I feel like a failure and I've accomplished nothing, though I know it isn't the case. I just feel like I'm drowning in tasks to do and it is all never ending. I mean, that is job security right?
Also, I'm just plain sad. I have nothing to really look forward to, or anything to distract my brain. No vacations/trips, visiting with family or friends, it's all gone. I can't go hiking as the parks are closed, and all of the things that make you feel ALIVE are off limits- or so it seems. I mean I write this now as things are starting to open back up, so things are on the up and up, but it was rough for awhile. Not to mention being a support for a spouse who doesn't get to go to work and is on unemployment and cannot see anyone except for me. I love my husband dearly, but that is a LOT of pressure on one person. Having work gives one a sense of purpose when you get up, and when you don't have that or some task that needs doing, and you're doing that for days/weeks/months- it is grating in its own way and I feel bad that he has had to go through this, but we're all going through this differently.
Deep down, I just want some peace. I know internally that I will be provided for, and that I am overwhelmingly blessed. If anything happens I know I have family/friends who love and care for me. However, I don't think that they can calm this deep seeded fear of failure at work in me.
I also want peace for society. I don't want us to be a people who live in fear. I know that we can beat this, but I also think of the sacrifices many are making each day for this. Some a physical sacrifice in putting themselves in a high risk of exposure situation to save or serve others, some it is a financial sacrifice, as their industries are not deemed essential. The thing that is hard is 'who' are we sacrificing it too? I know sometimes we have to feel like we're gearing up for a fight and we have a common enemy, but having that common enemy be a virus? It's kind of weird, and I think we're all having a hard time wrapping our brains around it- so instead it is way easier to point the finger at other people or political parties as the enemy. "These people are the enemy because they want to re-open up non-essential industries." "These people are the enemy because they're taking away my rights/freedoms." "The people in power are the enemy because they've made poor decisions." This is what it feels like, but I know I don't live in a position where I need things to open back up because I can't feed my family/pay my mortgage/bills/etc. I have this privilege and not all do- so I understand the need to open up. Not to mention families where the home is not safe for all members and work/school is a safe place for people. I also think not having work is going to take its toll on society's mental health- I mean, it already has affected many folks with rises in anxiety, stress, depression. Regarding freedoms/rights- that topic is hard for me as I don't feel like they're being taken away - only temporarily restricted. If it is no longer temporary (and that is why I like firm dates) and things become more policed, that is where I will become more concerned. I understand and want to take actions to protect folks, but I want to make sure that these actions and requirements are founded in truth and actually make a difference- else it sometimes just feels like "what is the point"? Then you end up doing something for the sake of doing something- and wasting everyone's time. I also know that part of the numbers looking like "it was all for nothing" is what flattening the curve looks like, but we need to make changes as this is an unsustainable direction. For folks in power- I do not envy their positions, as they cannot please everyone, and hindsight is 20/20 (oh the irony). I just know that we need leaders who lead, and make decisions, and follow through.
I don't know if our society will find peace. I really want us to. I want us to have a collective hope that things will be better- that we'll somehow be more connected and sympathetic to one another's situations and perspectives, that we will reach out and support one another, but I feel like we're just becoming more and more polarized- at least the voices I hear are such, hopefully peoples hearts are not that, and that we can overcome this virus and these times together. I hope we all somehow develop healthy coping mechanisms and learn to know ourselves better and know our friends and family better too. Hopefully we become better at communicating our needs and our feelings and can help each other overcome this time.
Speaking of these times, what a weird time to be alive. I feel like the stability and predictability that was 'life' just went out the window and the rug was ripped out from under all of us. I think at first we all wanted a date, or a 'completion' time, because things need to keep on going, right? The world isn't going to stop turning, my mortgage won't stop being due, I'm still going to need to eat... COVID19 can't stop everything right? Well, it has stopped movement, but the technology we have has allowed a lot of things in society to carry on- schools are virtual, happy hours are spent on zoom calls from your living room, we can work from home... However, I've been super blessed during this time that I have been able to make all of my payments and bills, I know not everyone has been this lucky and many have lost their jobs and are seeking unemployment- some have yet to even receive their unemployment, and my heart aches for them and my stomach is in knots at those thoughts for that instability.
When I think about that- I just want to know what I can do to help my friends around me. I wonder if people in need would reach out and ask for help or if they are ashamed to do so. Can I buy you groceries? Can I cover a bill this month? Do you need to talk to someone? I feel so weird about just giving people money though- I'd rather it be more tangible. But then I think- am I being selfish by wanting to help others and have it be something tangible for me? Is the giving for me to make myself feel better because I could sure use a pick-me-up right now? Or is it to really help them in the way that they need it? I think I just want to feel like I'm a part of something again, as all of this social distancing has made me lose my sense of community.
As stated above, I've been blessed during this time and have been still working- granted it is part time from home and part time at work so as to reduce exposure. And when I am at work I'm wearing a face mask (when I'm not at my desk) and we are practicing social distancing. All meetings are conducted via WebEx and there are spaced out chairs in the conference room if you are in one. Our temperatures are scanned as we enter for our work day and there are little diagrams on the floor to help folks maintain the 6 ft of social distancing. My work, like many, has had to adapt to these times and has incorporated some cost cutting measures, such as delayed merit increases, no 401k matching for specific quarters, and furlough week(s). The only thing that impacted me initially was the 401k matching, which I was okay with because when I first looked at my retirement when this whole thing started I did indeed cry. Luckily (unluckily?) I'm not anywhere close to retiring- so it doesn't really matter at this point in time, but it still hurts. Today, I found out I will have a furlough week. I actually think I'm kind of happy about it, because it finally feels like I'm being impacted (that sounds bad, but I mean it in the best way possible). I was impacted before, but I have had my job and am working my Mon-Fri schedule. The way it has been affecting me is that I just am not nearly as productive working from home as I am at work and I feel super guilty about that and then I feel like I need to work longer, and it is just draining. With a furlough week I will at least to mildly feel what many folks have been feeling/going through for weeks/months where I wake up without a task to accomplish or a mountain to climb.
I think with work I'm just overwhelmed. It seems like I'm supposed to get the same amount of work done, but I feel like I've gained more roles/responsibilities over this time, and I just can't produce 125% every day to keep up with it, and everything is slipping. I had moved departments a little over 7 months ago, and I'm functioning well in that department, but I'm not an expert by any means, it takes me like 2x as long to do something as someone who is more competent. I also was recently named committee chair of one of our employee groups where we plan events to help further business acumen in our employees, and then the COVID19 happened, and it is not easy to do events when folks cannot physically meet. I also am our site contact for a technology transfer and it is my first time in this type of role so I've had to do a lot of backtracking and making corrections to things where my initial response wasn't quite on par, so that has been a learning curve. On top of that, I'm also helping make face masks for our site, which I'm happy to be a part of, it is just another thing to the list. With all of this going on, I am having more days where I feel like a failure and I've accomplished nothing, though I know it isn't the case. I just feel like I'm drowning in tasks to do and it is all never ending. I mean, that is job security right?
Also, I'm just plain sad. I have nothing to really look forward to, or anything to distract my brain. No vacations/trips, visiting with family or friends, it's all gone. I can't go hiking as the parks are closed, and all of the things that make you feel ALIVE are off limits- or so it seems. I mean I write this now as things are starting to open back up, so things are on the up and up, but it was rough for awhile. Not to mention being a support for a spouse who doesn't get to go to work and is on unemployment and cannot see anyone except for me. I love my husband dearly, but that is a LOT of pressure on one person. Having work gives one a sense of purpose when you get up, and when you don't have that or some task that needs doing, and you're doing that for days/weeks/months- it is grating in its own way and I feel bad that he has had to go through this, but we're all going through this differently.
Deep down, I just want some peace. I know internally that I will be provided for, and that I am overwhelmingly blessed. If anything happens I know I have family/friends who love and care for me. However, I don't think that they can calm this deep seeded fear of failure at work in me.
I also want peace for society. I don't want us to be a people who live in fear. I know that we can beat this, but I also think of the sacrifices many are making each day for this. Some a physical sacrifice in putting themselves in a high risk of exposure situation to save or serve others, some it is a financial sacrifice, as their industries are not deemed essential. The thing that is hard is 'who' are we sacrificing it too? I know sometimes we have to feel like we're gearing up for a fight and we have a common enemy, but having that common enemy be a virus? It's kind of weird, and I think we're all having a hard time wrapping our brains around it- so instead it is way easier to point the finger at other people or political parties as the enemy. "These people are the enemy because they want to re-open up non-essential industries." "These people are the enemy because they're taking away my rights/freedoms." "The people in power are the enemy because they've made poor decisions." This is what it feels like, but I know I don't live in a position where I need things to open back up because I can't feed my family/pay my mortgage/bills/etc. I have this privilege and not all do- so I understand the need to open up. Not to mention families where the home is not safe for all members and work/school is a safe place for people. I also think not having work is going to take its toll on society's mental health- I mean, it already has affected many folks with rises in anxiety, stress, depression. Regarding freedoms/rights- that topic is hard for me as I don't feel like they're being taken away - only temporarily restricted. If it is no longer temporary (and that is why I like firm dates) and things become more policed, that is where I will become more concerned. I understand and want to take actions to protect folks, but I want to make sure that these actions and requirements are founded in truth and actually make a difference- else it sometimes just feels like "what is the point"? Then you end up doing something for the sake of doing something- and wasting everyone's time. I also know that part of the numbers looking like "it was all for nothing" is what flattening the curve looks like, but we need to make changes as this is an unsustainable direction. For folks in power- I do not envy their positions, as they cannot please everyone, and hindsight is 20/20 (oh the irony). I just know that we need leaders who lead, and make decisions, and follow through.
I don't know if our society will find peace. I really want us to. I want us to have a collective hope that things will be better- that we'll somehow be more connected and sympathetic to one another's situations and perspectives, that we will reach out and support one another, but I feel like we're just becoming more and more polarized- at least the voices I hear are such, hopefully peoples hearts are not that, and that we can overcome this virus and these times together. I hope we all somehow develop healthy coping mechanisms and learn to know ourselves better and know our friends and family better too. Hopefully we become better at communicating our needs and our feelings and can help each other overcome this time.
Comments
Post a Comment
Leave me your thoughts or comments. :)